Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

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Jay128
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Joined: 18 Dec 2012, 06:31
Location: Liverpool

Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Jay128 » 27 Dec 2013, 11:50

Well as many of you know this past year has been a bit of a nightmare especially with our eldest son returning to our home and bringing all of his chaos with him. Unfortunately our middle son who has aspergers has found this very stressful and is torn between the delight of having his brother home and the pain it causes seeing his brother who is now just a shell of his former self.
Although he loves him he is struggling with his moods and is sometimes fearful of him which in the end has come to a head by the eldest being told if he cannot treat him better he will have to leave as H is the child and he is 23, never an easy sentence for any mother to say but for the sake of H it needed saying as he was desperately using any excuse to leave the house or shutting himself in his room.
On Christmas day we ended up at the emergency doctor as he had developed shingles, he had been complaining of backache for two days but when the rash appeared we where in no doubt as to what it was and he is in so much pain. The doctor said he had not caught this but that it was stress that was causing it and wanted to know what was causing a 14 yr old boy so much stress that it could make him this ill.
Poppydoodle has been his blanket, his pillow, his tissue but most of all his best friend. She has just laid with him, sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him and padded around after him checking he's ok.
Our eldest has improved since I told him he would have to leave if he kept being horrible but this would have been so hard to do as my husband feels he is a suicide risk but it is still like living on a knife edge.
Sorry I'm whinging, I know I am, but sometimes friends just don't get it as when they see him he can be polite, well mannered and caring and they think I am nuts but anyone can behave for a couple of hours if they really want to!
This time last year Poppy worked her magic by helping us over the loss of our much loved Pops, this year she is the glue holding my son together. Even my hubby didn't moan about the amount of goodies I bought her for Christmas as this little doodle is worth her weight in gold :D
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suebedo
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Joined: 23 Mar 2013, 23:40
Location: Denham, South Bucks

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by suebedo » 27 Dec 2013, 12:12

Well done Poppy, you are a star :D :D

I hope you eldest is also seeing the GP so that he can be referred for help with his issues. Mental health problems can be invisible to all but the closest to the sufferer. They can have such an impact on the rest of the family though as you have found.

Let's hope that your son can see the New Year as a fresh start, a chance to put the past behind him and move forward with his life.

Fingers crossed everything starts to improve xx
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Helen & Rigby
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Joined: 20 Sep 2013, 11:06

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Helen & Rigby » 27 Dec 2013, 12:59

I feel your pain. My eldest (14) has aspergers, (and ADD and vocal tics) and has in the past been suicidal. It is terrifying to say the very least. Heart breaking also. My younger son (13) also has traits of aspergers, primarily ADHD, sensory, hyper sensitivity and vocal and motor tics. He has been very close to serious self harming. The two together have at times had us at breaking point. I also am aspie, as I discovered at the time eldest was dx'd. So I struggle with my own issues also.

They are both doing well at the moment, but the stress of that and other family issues left me with chronic fatigue syndrome.

So my advice would be, make sure to look after yourself also, otherwise your body could give out like mine did.

Doodles are the best medicine ever, good luck, thinking of you x
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Glenda
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Joined: 25 Aug 2010, 00:22
Location: Somerset

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Glenda » 27 Dec 2013, 15:37

It really hasn't been your year has it :(

I really wish you and your family a Healthy & Happier New Year... and wish H a
speedy recovery from his shingles.

What a lovely, gentle and loving doodle you have in Poppy - that's all credit to you
as well - she's a star! :D :D
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EstelleB
Posts: 266
Joined: 30 Sep 2013, 10:48

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by EstelleB » 27 Dec 2013, 17:29

I am really feeling for you, I hope your son has a swift recovery.

We actually got Tia to help our kids with some problems, my daughter has anorexia which brings on bouts of depression, and my son was developing behavioural issues because of the stress of his sister's illness. My OH wasn't convinced as he's never had a dog, but I know how calming that unconditional love can be, and I'm so glad we got her.

My daughter's anorexia is no better, but we've had no bouts of depression for a couple of months and my son has calmed down as well. As Helen said, you must look after yourself in all of this, and I've found that the dog really gives me something else to focus on.

Take care xxx
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Seventiesboy
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Joined: 20 Sep 2013, 15:18
Location: Cheshire

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Seventiesboy » 27 Dec 2013, 17:45

A Doodle has the wonderful ability to be a Guardian Angel, I would not be without mine.
Good luck with your problems and always trust your Dood.
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molsp
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Joined: 12 Apr 2013, 19:08

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by molsp » 27 Dec 2013, 19:04

Families and family politics are the cause of so much heartache. I hope 2014 is the beginning of a better time for you - it certainly seems it is your turn.

I'm glad that Poppy is there as a nice unchanging and stable friend for you and your son . Dogs are brilliant aren't they? They do seen to have a 6th sense about thing like that.


An optimist would say that when life closes a door it opens a window. The more realistic of us know that sometime the window is a porthole on a sinking ship
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Jay128
Posts: 1047
Joined: 18 Dec 2012, 06:31
Location: Liverpool

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Jay128 » 27 Dec 2013, 19:55

Thank you all for your lovely responses. Helen and Rigby I understand where you are coming from. My middle son, aged 21, has adhd, he manages to live with his girlfriend and hold down a full time job, it's in McDonalds but it's a job and he's happy and functions well. But the stresses life brings at the moment are awful.
I fear my mind and body have already had enough. I am on morphine because of constant hip pain, a legacy of parental abuse as a small child, I passed out at work in the week before we broke up and was taken by ambulance to hospital and was told to rest! and I have not had a full nights sleep due to the pain in my hip and stress for 5 months. And the other night I was so stressed I woke up ready to kill my son as he had been such a swine that day.
Today is a bad day, I am trying to keep a lid on it for the sake of my youngest but if truth be known I want to kill my eldest he's driving me insane. My middle one has come round to try and calm the situation and he and the eldest are holed up in his room on the x box so we have some respite for now.
I am just having one of those days where I want to stop the world and get off. If I didn't have such a good husband I would be in prison by now!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Helen & Rigby
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Joined: 20 Sep 2013, 11:06

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Helen & Rigby » 27 Dec 2013, 20:09

Crikey, even more in common. I was abused by my mother for 36 years. I left home at 21 but she had her claws in me never the less. My dad had a major stoke in 1996 and as she became his carer, to see him we had to see her. My dad died in 2011, he never knew of the abuse, although I suspect he received some himself. My sister and I have stopped contact with our mother when dad died but still struggle with the effects of the physical mental and emotional abuse.

It's very difficult because in yours and my kind of situation we can't get off the ride. But do do what you can to look after yourself. I wish I had known then what I do now. Get signed off work if you can, its much easier to rescue it now before you crash. Like you, if it wasn't for my husband I would have sunk without trace years ago.

Do pm me if you need a vent or anything else.
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Gracie's mums
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Joined: 03 Nov 2013, 09:39
Location: Moreton in Marsh, Gloucs/Oxfordshire

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Gracie's mums » 27 Dec 2013, 22:20

Hi Jay

That sounds like an incredibly tough situation. I'm currently working in MH services , a charity supporting people with complex and multiple needs down here in Oxford and I just wanted you to know that there are many floating support services across the country that can help support people in your situation if you should need it. I echo suebedo in going to the GP. They are often the gatekeepers for many mental health and other floating support services.

If your locality is anything like Oxford, statutory services are being squeezed and eligibility thresholds are getting higher, but there are many charities who offer the same services and there may not be the waiting lists.

In the meantime, I'm sure Poppy offers a good dose of comfort and joy. I'm coming to realise these doods are very special creatures.

Best Wishes
Gracie, Becky and Laura

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Jay128
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Joined: 18 Dec 2012, 06:31
Location: Liverpool

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Jay128 » 27 Dec 2013, 23:15

Thanks Gracie's mums, My major problem is that he doesn't think he has one. He refuses to see a doctor, Councillor or do anything about his using. He has been told tonight that if he wants to stay at home in the new year he has to go and see someone. My heart does go out to him as he has had a bad break up, lost all his body hair and had his brother throw him out of his house so he had to come home. His brother threw him out because he believed we would put up with anything because he is our son and maybe if we didn't have H then we would but his younger brother is the child and I feel, rightly or wrongly, that he never had to put up with any of this when he was 14 so why should his little brother?
My problem is I can feel my own health going down hill and my sanity rapidly vanishing. He does manage to hold down a full time job and can be nice at times but it's the unpredictability that does the damage. I love him but I don't much like him if that makes any sense.
Tonight his dad just stood in the kitchen and cried and seeing that really hurts. He is the constant, the level headed one, if he starts to lose it God help us all. My life has been a wreck, abuse, foster care, losing my foster mum, who to me was my mum, at 11 years of age then living with relatives and an abuse of a different kind. My frustration with my son is if my world can fall apart over and over again and I am left alone how can he not survive when he has a loving family and a world of friends that care about him, And yes I still want to strangle him but I thimk I'd better go to bed instead.
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campfaz18
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Joined: 22 Oct 2010, 22:39
Location: Nottingham

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by campfaz18 » 28 Dec 2013, 00:19

Hi Jay

Things seem very tough and Poppy sounds as though she is being a star and doing her best to be a predictable friend and comfort for your youngest.

It is very difficult to help people who are not ready or think they want to make a change if that is where your eldest is at the moment. Perhaps you would be better focusing on doing things that you can control/change and look for some support for yourself. If you and your OH are better supported some of the other stuff may be a tiny bit easier to manage.

Gracie's mums had some good advice and Helen and Rigby are right that you need to be well to help all your sons.

Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year when we are supposed to have a nice time, we are out of routine, and spend extra time with family, throw in alcohol etc etc and it is easy to see why things can go wrong at this time of year.

Hope things improve for you soon
Nat, Lynne and the boy Jacob


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Doodle Dee
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Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Doodle Dee » 28 Dec 2013, 00:39

Oh I really feel for you - the pain when a child is hurting and you cannot rub/kiss it better.

Sounds like Poppy is doing a grand job with your 14 year old.

In all this, you are the most important person, if you don't look after yourself who will!

Go get all the help you can. Your family can't cope alone without support. You need love also. There is so much out there that you can access.
Find people who are in the same position and keep talking. people who care (even us on the forum) will never get bored of anything you need to chat about.

The people on here have given so much good advice, even if your son won't recognise the problem you and your husband can get help. I know of one organisation called MIND which has a lot of information on it. You need to be healthy and strong to deal with it. Please try and get some help for your family and you look on at Poppy with H and both of you take some calming therapy from her.

Go Poppy Girl you are doing so well in looking after your family

xxxx
Lulu & Dx

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Gracie's mums
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Joined: 03 Nov 2013, 09:39
Location: Moreton in Marsh, Gloucs/Oxfordshire

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Gracie's mums » 28 Dec 2013, 06:24

Jay128 wrote:Thanks Gracie's mums, My major problem is that he doesn't think he has one. He refuses to see a doctor, Councillor or do anything about his using. He has been told tonight that if he wants to stay at home in the new year he has to go and see someone. My heart does go out to him as he has had a bad break up, lost all his body hair and had his brother throw him out of his house so he had to come home. His brother threw him out because he believed we would put up with anything because he is our son and maybe if we didn't have H then we would but his younger brother is the child and I feel, rightly or wrongly, that he never had to put up with any of this when he was 14 so why should his little brother?
My problem is I can feel my own health going down hill and my sanity rapidly vanishing. He does manage to hold down a full time job and can be nice at times but it's the unpredictability that does the damage. I love him but I don't much like him if that makes any sense.
Tonight his dad just stood in the kitchen and cried and seeing that really hurts. He is the constant, the level headed one, if he starts to lose it God help us all. My life has been a wreck, abuse, foster care, losing my foster mum, who to me was my mum, at 11 years of age then living with relatives and an abuse of a different kind. My frustration with my son is if my world can fall apart over and over again and I am left alone how can he not survive when he has a loving family and a world of friends that care about him, And yes I still want to strangle him but I thimk I'd better go to bed instead.
:( When people are doing things that are negative there is often a degree of ambivalence around change. It's a case of better the devil you know and there will be two voices in him both advocating for making change and also staying the way he is. Unfortunately, when external voices push for one option (usually promoting change) it can reinforce him to subconsciously side with the other, if that makes any sense. Potentially a reason for his denial.

I don't know if by using you mean substances, if so, the choices made are less open due to the addiction and there are also behavioural consequences. Your council should have a drug and alcohol action team that can advise you on services available not only to your son but also to you. (http://www.intuitiverecovery.com/useful-links) If you didn't mean substances, ignore that section! :)

However, as an adult he has a responsibility for his actions, as we all do, and I completely understand what you mean about protecting H as he is still a child and agree with laying your cards on the table.

I think it is important to recognise your strengths during this time also. You are managing to support your family and making it through the days. Even though it may not seem a lot, during a really difficult time, keeping your head above water, even if only just, is an incredible feat. Also, it is OK to feel the way you do towards your son and I don't think anyone would judge any of those emotions as no one is in your situation.

As others have said, please find some support for yourself and your family regardless of what he does.

Becky xx
Gracie, Becky and Laura

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Jay128
Posts: 1047
Joined: 18 Dec 2012, 06:31
Location: Liverpool

Re: Once again Poppy delivers her Doodle magic!

Post by Jay128 » 28 Dec 2013, 08:38

Hi all thanks for your advice and caring words. I think I have decided to go and see my gp as well as do a local internet search to see whats out there and what help we can get for hubby H and myself as I know I am coming close to completly losing the plot. Although part of me wants to stay home and get signed off which the doctor would do because of my hip, he doesn't know half of whats going on, work is my saviour. I teach, I love my job and it's the one place I seem to do something right.
We have a close family friend coming over today who knows our boys well and I know today will be a good day.
I will let you know how we go, thanks again, J
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